The impatient passenger waits and angrier he becomes as each second ticks. The concrete platform shakes; the metallic beast groans. As it approaches the passengers release a sigh a relief; a relief that splices the air. The snake like subway slowly, but surely, makes its way into the station and as the carts roll and grind on the tracks it lets out a childlike squeal. Closer and closer just inches away, it slows to a stop and hisses as if to tease everyone.Every passenger slowly approaches the edge of the platform, like a lion slowly stalking its prey. The heavens open up and light colors all that was gray, spirits are lifted. This is the daily routine of a commuter.
Try to tell the ekphrasis using your senses. It’s off to a good start, but you want to show what’s going on. Pretend the picture isn’t there, and just use your imagination. To make it stronger, you can use metaphors for the subway (like what you used for the snake) or try to substitute the subway with the snake entirely (make it into a mechanical snake). That would make the ekphrasis more interesting.
For example:
“The snake like subway slowly, but surely, makes its way into the station and as the carts roll and grind on the tracks it lets out a childlike squeal.” Could be: “The snake inched its way into the station. The childlike squeal of the carts as it rolled and ground the tracks could be heard from blocks away.”
Feel free to use that if you want 🙂
Thanks for the advice! And isn’t that plagiarism ? lol