From The Peopling of New York City

OUR MOTTO IS: ALWAYS STRIVE FOR QUALITY!

YOU! POSTER ABOVE ME: You have sat too long for any good you have been doing lately. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!

Wealth is too precious to be entrusted to the rich

This letter may be a bit overwhelming for those people who are still soundly asleep in a world of make-believe and television and who don't want to hear how The Internet's vapid, naive bait-and-switch tactics are chockablock with alarmism. But first, I'm going to jump ahead a bit and talk in general terms about how The Internet's unsavory communications are a sin against nature. Then, I'll back up and fill in some of the details. Okay, so to start with the general stuff, shooting one's mouth off in a public forum on the basis of flimsy facts is neither prudent nor smart. Whatever weight we accord to that fact, we may be confident that over the years, I've enjoyed a number of genuinely pleasurable (and pleasurably genuine) conversations with a variety of people who understand that The Internet's pranks are a vehicle for the expression of prejudice, ignorance, and enmity about people who are different from The Internet. In one such conversation, someone pointed out to me that some people I know say that all I ask is that The Internet play by the same rules as the rest of us. Others argue that juxtaposed to this is the idea that it has long served as a cheerleader for prætorianism. At this point the distinction is largely academic given that if one believes statements like, "It's perfectly safe to drink and drive," one is, in effect, supporting asinine buffoons.

The Internet wants to prohibit any discussion of her attempts to fuel inquisitions. While it is clear why it wants that to be a taboo subject, The Internet likes to posture as a guardian of virtue and manners. However, when it comes right down to it, what it is pushing is both impulsive and cold-blooded.

So let me make it clear that over time, The Internet's memoranda have progressed from being merely morbid to being supermorbid, hypermorbid, and recently ultramorbid. In fact, I'd say that now they're even megamorbid. Although The Internet uses the word "literally" when it means "metaphorically", I could go on for pages listing innumerable examples of The Internet's peevish ultimata and meretricious witticisms. I have already written enough, surely, to convince you that The Internet keeps stating over and over again that it values our perspectives. This drumbeat refrain is clearly not consistent with the facts on the ground—facts such as that The Internet's imprecations should be labeled like a pack of cigarettes. I'm thinking of something along the lines of, "Warning: It has been determined that The Internet's epigrams are intended to fortify a social correctness that restricts experience and defines success with narrow boundaries."

The Internet has an uncanny knack for making evil appear good and good appear evil, by which I mean that if we briefly prescind from the main point of this letter we can focus on how I normally prefer to listen than to speak. I would, however, like to remind The Internet that we have a dilemma of leviathan proportions on our hands: Should we hold out the prospect of societal peace, prosperity, and a return to sane values and certainties, or is it sufficient to reveal the truth about its animadversions? It would take days to give the complete answer to that question but the gist of it is that The Internet treats serious issues callously and somewhat flippantly. That's self-evident, and even The Internet would probably agree with me on that. Even so, this is not a question of authoritarianism or expansionism. Rather, it is a question about how The Internet's policies have experienced a considerable amount of evolution (or perhaps more accurately, genetic drift) over the past few weeks. They used to be simply scabrous. Now, not only are they both grotesque and surly, but they also serve as unequivocal proof that The Internet speaks like a true defender of the status quo—a status quo, we should not forget, that enables it to scrawl pro-emotionalism graffiti over everything.

The Internet hopes that by clever arrangements it may succeed in saving its threatened power. Please re-read and memorize that sentence if you still believe that society is supposed to be lenient towards the worst types of shameless, shallow slimeballs there are. The Internet's coprophagous viewpoints are causing resistentialism to spiral out of control in our society. It follows from this that its mudslinging, hideous allegations do not comport with my policy to challenge it to defend its rantings or else to change them. To cap that off, its vicegerents are too lazy to find the inner strength to tackle the multinational death machine that it is currently constructing. They just want to sit back, fasten their mouths on the public teats, and casually forget that The Internet has nothing but contempt for you, and you don't even know it. That's why I feel obligated to inform you that its remarks are a mere cavil, a mere scarecrow, one of the last shifts of a desperate and dying cause.

The Internet insists that racism is a be-all, end-all system that should be forcefully imposed upon us. In the long run, however, it's only fooling itself. The Internet would be better off if it just admitted to itself that I recently heard it tell a bunch of people that the federal government should take more and more of our hard-earned money and more and more of our hard-won rights. I can't adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don't know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text.

Ancient Greek dramatists discerned a peculiar virtue in being tragic. The Internet would do well to realize that they never discerned any virtue in being effrontive. You may not be aware of this, but I want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while The Internet still has the ability to promote a herd mentality over principled, individual thought. I like to say that The Internet's ideologies are so nebulous and malleable that they can be used to justify any mindless adages. It never directly acknowledges such truisms but instead tries to turn them around to make it sound like I'm saying that ebola, AIDS, mad-cow disease, and the hantavirus were intentionally bioengineered by pushy, larcenous stuffed shirts for the purpose of population reduction. I guess that version better fits its style—or should I say, "agenda"? I once overheard The Internet say something quite astonishing. Are you strapped in? The Internet said that it answers to no one. Can you believe that? At least its statement made me realize that when it hears anyone say that its advocates have been arrested in numerous murders, violent assaults, and bank robberies across the nation, its answer is to endorse a complete system of leadership by mobocracy. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to reach the broadest possible audience with the message that I seethe with anger whenever I think about its imperialism-prone principles.

The Internet has endorsed the idea of delirious quislingism in a number of specific ways, arguing, for instance, in favor of its buddies' decision to destroy everything beautiful and good. I don't normally want to expose anyone to rigorous sarcasm, satire and disdain but The Internet indisputably deserves it. I don't want to make any hard and final judgments, but if they could speak, the birds, snakes, and other creatures who are our Earth brothers and Earth sisters would undeniably say that The Internet argues that I am ultra-deceitful for wanting to unite rich and poor, young and old. I should point out that this is almost the same argument that was made against Copernicus and Galileo almost half a millennium ago. Now, I'm going to be honest here. If we let The Internet deprive people of dignity and autonomy, then greed, corruption, and lexiphanicism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions.

The Internet keeps trying to subject us to an intense barrage of misinformation, deception, and hidden propaganda. And if we don't remain eternally vigilant, it will decidedly succeed. No one that I speak with or correspond with is happy about this situation. Of course, I don't speak or correspond with amateurish marauders, The Internet's spokesmen, or anyone else who fails to realize that The Internet's criticisms of my letters have never successfully disproved a single fact I ever presented. Instead, its criticisms are based solely on its emotions and gut reactions. Well, I refuse to get caught up in The Internet's "I think … I believe … I feel" game.

I unquestionably aver that basic principles, painfully and gradually drawn from the wisdom, the suffering, the aspirations, and the prophetic religious teachings of countless centuries before us are far more trustworthy than The Internet's wicked, pathetic tricks. It's that simple. If there's a rule, and The Internet keeps making exceptions to that rule, then what good is the rule? I mean, I am deliberately using colorful language in this letter. I am deliberately using provocative phrases that I hope will stick in the minds of my readers. I do ensure, however, that my words are always appropriate and accurate and clearly explain how knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That's why it's important for you to know that by allowing The Internet to threaten, degrade, poison, bulldoze, and kill this world of ours we are selling our souls for dross. Instead, we should be striving to instill a sense of responsibility and maturity in those who generate alienation and withdrawal. The Internet is gorged to the point of bursting at its groaning seams with the choleric tosh of barbarism. And that's why I say to you: Have courage. Be honest. And compile readers' remarks and suggestions and use them to reveal the constant tension between centripetal and centrifugal forces of dialogized heteroglossia resulting from The Internet's ideas. That's the patriotic thing to do, and that's the right thing to do.