From The Peopling of New York City

Interview with Neena Jain (Kanushree Jain’s Mother)

Transcript 4/2/09

On Marriage

Q: What is your view about arranged marriages? Positive/negative aspects?

Arranged marriages for them they don’t see anything bad in it about it because the parents check out the background they look at if the boy is settled or not. They look at what kind of family background he’s coming from… everything plays into it like whether their daughters will be able to adjust to it or not. The kids are still young so they don’t have the lifetime of experience that the parents do. They’re not wise so they might not be able to see the future hurdles that the kids are not seeing. The parents are able to see those more.

Q: Nowadays, do you think there are more arranged marriages than love marriages in India & in the US?

Love marriages are still very rare in India. It’s still a very small percentage. Maybe in the cities it might be prevalent but even then in rural areas, they are arranged. Love marriages are not seen as respectful and they are harder to adjust into it because the families don’t necessarily reconcile with each other so arranged marriages are still looked as the norm. Here it’s completely different. Here rarely they are arranged because all the kids grew up in an American environment and they want the right to choose their own partners. Also here, there are all nuclear families. Very rarely are you living with the parents or with the family. In India, even if you’re living with a nuclear family you’re still in so much contact with the extended family that you need to have a good rapport with them.

Q: Is there a high divorce rate in India and in US?

In arranged marriages, India parents always tell [their children] ‘this is how you need to live. You get married once…You have to adjust. You have to compromise.’ It’s usually a marriage between two families. There is no individualist society in India. It’s all about the family. It’s all about the society… If there are extramarital affairs – let’s say if the guy is having an extramarital affair then his parents and the girl’s parents will say ‘it’s a one time mistake and you need to get over it and live with your wife,’ and they’ll tell the girl it’s okay he’s still your husband, compromise. If the woman has an extramarital affair, more than not the guy will leave her. But then where is she going to go? So it’s less likely that a woman will have an extramarital affair in India. It’s still a male dominant society.

Q: What type of marriage would you want your children to have?

Definitely, I would like an arranged marriage, or maybe if they like someone… still, I want to see the family background. As long as families got along well and the family background was suitable and the guy is well settled. If [the parents] find the prospect suitable, then the kids can choose. If it’s an interracial marriage, then there will be a lot more problems. She would not approve… (Kanushree’s sister speaking) In my generation, we see that usually parents are right. It’s so much easier to adjust to your own culture and your own language. [In interracial marriages] they all learn to adopt [Indian culture].

Q: What is the wife & husband role within the family? And have there been any changes in these roles in India?

The male is dominant… So women even though they’re working, they still come home and they’ll cook. They still have to do the dishes and take care of the children. Even they protest and say that you (referring to the husband) need to help out, men don’t [help] because they haven’t been brought up that way…even the girl’s parents will say ‘so what he’s your husband. You need to succumb, you need to be submissive.’ In terms of the changes, the man used to be supreme. Now he’s not supreme but he’s still in control. Women have a little more leverage. Here, you grow up in an American society and it’s equal. In India, there are some big gender gaps.

Q: What is your idea of love/ what is love in Indian culture & society?

In India, love is Love is romanticized when you’re young but after that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not for love. Companionship is greater; the family unit is greater than love. Even if they love someone in India, most of the time they can’t tell their parents and if the parents say no it’s no. They will marry whomever the parents arrange.

--Echang 04:18, 6 April 2009 (UTC)