Marriage and Wedding Industry

From The Peopling of New York City

Image (c) [6]

Marriage is an integral part of Indian culture, with traditions and ceremonies that are prevalent and significant in India as well as in the United States. This can be explored through the small shopping district of "Little India" in Jackson Heights, Queens. Sari shops, jewelry stores, and wedding planners become representative of not only an ethnic identity, but also a wedding industry. Generational differences and acculturation of American culture have played a role in influencing wedding styles and preferences of arranged and love marriages. However, interviews with young South Asians reveal that some may still prefer the traditional arranged marriage and its advantages, while others want some parental guidance & control and thus lean toward "assisted" marriages.

Display of a Wedding Industry, Marriage, & Ethnic Identity

Businesses involved in the wedding industry, including sari shops, jewelry stores, and beauty salons, experience a peak in activity during specific auspicious and favorable times of the year. Families consult astrologers and the astrological calendar to determine the appropriate timing of marital arrangements. According to most shop owners in Jackson Heights, summer and spring are the most preferred seasons to get married.

Sari Shops

Sari shop on 74th St. Jackson Heights, Queens

The business market in Jackson Heights relies heavily on the wedding industry. The many sari and jewelry shops focus on attracting clients who are looking for clothes and accessories for a wedding. When a family has a son and/or daughter preparing for their own wedding, many stores experience a great amount of business as an entire family comes to shop for the day. Although there are many “Bridal Shops” in this business district, they come to cater to the needs of all people, not just the family and friends of a bride or groom. Most shops have women that serve to aid clients in selecting the perfect wedding attire and accessories. They all speak Indian languages, such as Hindi or Bengali, and some speak English. In an interview with a female employee in the Bride’s Paradise store, located on 74th St., it was said that although the store sells bridal and other attire that is meant for a special event, many of the customers come into the store for all types of clothing. This woman was the only English-speaking employee, which shows that English is not a necessity for immigrants seeking work in the district. This point is further emphasized with another store on the same street, where the employees stated there is nobody in the store that speaks English.

Bride's Paradise store on 74th St.

The JMD Mall, located on the corner of 75th St and 37 Ave., is another sari shop that also sells affordable jewelry, blankets and luggage. Another female employee who spoke English and was open to the idea of being interviewed said that the store receives many clients shopping for weddings. She also said that the spring and summer months yield more business because of the increase in the amount of weddings being held. She went into her own experience with weddings, revealing that she was planning her own wedding for the spring and that she had already purchased two dresses and multiple pieces of jewelry, for the ceremony and the reception. She went on to say that the groom’s family has been and will be paying for the entirety of the wedding and that her guest list had gone over one thousand people. For such a large mass of people, the wedding reception was set to be held in a banquet hall located on Jamaica Ave., which specializes in catering to the needs of Indian immigrants and typical large events, such as weddings.

Jewelry Stores

Jewels of London- wedding necklace sets on display

The numerous jewelry stores around 74th street also attract a variety of customers, from a single customer seeking a single pair of gold and gem studded earrings, or a whole family looking for specific wedding jewelry. Generally speaking, jewelry is sign of wealth, and it contributes to the beautification of the woman. In addition, it is also purchased as an investment, and can be sold for a large sum of money when a family is in financial trouble. Most of the jewelry sold at Jackson Heights is made of 22 Karat gold, which is a more reliable source of wealth than paper money. Although each store offers different types of jewelry based on preference and regional background, the main type bridal jewelry that these stores display are the mangalsutra/thali (one main symbol of marriage), long necklace sets, earrings, and gold bangles.

Images (c) [1] [2] [3]

List of the main Indian bridal jewelry:

(Provided by Kanushree Jain, a young Indian woman)

1 - Mangalsutra/Thali (see caption above)

2 - 22 Karat gold necklace sets

3 - Earrings

4 - Red churiyan (regular thin bangles) & gold kada (thick bangles)

5 - Nath/nose ring (see caption above)

6 - Manga tika - consists of a pendant that hangs down on the forehead from a string on the center parting of a bride's head

7 - Hathphool - consists of multiple rings connected to a bracelet

8 - Gold anklet & toe rings

9 - Kalire - a chandelier of gold bells that is shaken over bridesmaids; detachment of these bells signals the next woman/bridesmaid to be wed

10 - Bajuband - gold bands worn on both arms

Sizes & styles that a bride may wear varies depending on preference and budget.

Beauty is not only accentuated with jewelry, but special grooming as well. To look their best, both the bride and groom go to beauty salons for a nice haircut, a facial, etc. Interviews with several beauty shop employees at Jackson Heights confirmed that they do have customers who are going to get married.

The declining economy has certainly influenced the jewelry businesses in Jackson Heights. Several jewelry storeowners have confirmed fewer customers, and one recent article "The Two-Precious Metal" describes a decrease in the number of customers on 74th street, compared to the late 1990s when gold was cheaper. According to the article, a shopkeeper at Sona Jewels thinks that brides are using the artificial costume jewelry. Or they may just be buying less.

Wedding Westernization and Planning

Weddings that are celebrated by Indian immigrants in the United States, have come to modify their traditions and customs somewhat but still keep the essence of the joyous event. Wedding Coordinator Sonal J. Shah, has planned many weddings in and around New York City, and has come to cater to many Indian Americans, creating spectacular weddings that are planned according to the needs and wants of the couple and their families. In an interview with Sonal, she stated that her customers vary in their religious cultural and ethnic needs. She went on to say that of all the Indian style weddings that she plans sixty percent of them are unions of mixed couples. This creates some obstacles, as many American or non-Indian brides or grooms do not know or understand the many rituals and steps that pertain to the wedding ceremony, and how important they are for the family. She stated that many times she has to sit down with her clients and explain all the processions, what is done, why, and what is needed of them. She usually recommends locations and business that have the many aspects that both the bride and groom will need for the big day.

Sonal J. Shah, event consultant.[4]

Ms. Shah emphasizes the importance of family participation in planning an Indian wedding. Her clients’ budgets vary greatly from $30,000 to over $100,000, due to the great expense of all the bride’s attire, jewelry, and the more "American" reception. She states that although the ceremony is the main part of the wedding and that the seven steps are extremely important, the reception has many aspects of a western-style wedding. Things such as the first dance, the cake cutting and the bouquet throwing are all incorporated into the reception, with the number of guests sometimes going over one thousand.

Interview with Sonal J. Shah

Wedding Ceremony & Proceedings

Seeking A Spouse

Parents and elders may look for a spouse for their son/daughter through family connections or social networks. Not surprisingly, they are seeking individuals of the same religious and ethnic background with proper family values and good social standing. Young Indian men and women themselves may search through through matrimonial websites like Shaadi.com to find other men/women who match their criteria. The importance of having an educated background with a professional job can be seen in matrimonial ads in Indian newspapers like DesiTalk and India Abroad. Most of the individuals advertised for marriage are in their late 20s to 30's. It becomes more difficult for an Indian woman/man to get married after he/she turns 30.

"....HINDU parents invite correspondence for very beautiful, physician daughter with pleasant personality, currently practicing medicine, 35/5'5..."

"....MAHARASHTRIAN Hindu family seeks professionals; for their son, 30/5'9", US citizen MS Engineering, employed, perfect east/ west blend, vegetarian..."

- Matrimonial Ads in India in New York (India Abroad) weekly newspaper

Dowry System

The Dowry System is a very important part of marriage and arrangement in India. It is the payment of cash or goods, made to the groom and his family by the bride’s father or family, during the Kanyadaan ceremony. It was intended to be a security blanket or backup for a bride, if her husband fell ill, died or she was divorced and previously consisted of jewelry and other valuable family goods, not cash. Unfortunately this system grew to develop into a “bride-price” system, with families trying to gather up as much money as possible in order to marry their daughters off into a “good” family, the more money they offer for their daughter and bride the more chances they have of finding a wealthy, educated husband for them. The Dowry System was abolished in 1961 with the Anti-Dowry Act, due to the cruel behavior that the system brought about.

In many cases the dowry accepted by the groom’s family was used by them for selfish needs and thus escaped the bride forever. Even after a groom and his family agreed upon a certain dowry for a bride, they come to demand more after the wedding was over. They threatened with divorce and physical violence, unless their demands were met. If the bride’s family was not able to get the requested amount, the family often times, stooped to actually pouring kerosene on the girl and burning her alive. These murders were often times reported as suicides or accidents, or not at all and thus they were not investigated. These families were then able to find other brides with wealthier families to once again marry their sons.

According to an article in BBC news[7], the statistics of women being killed for their dowry are mind-boggling, with over 7,000 women killed in 2001 alone. This statistic only offset by the high abortion rates of baby girls, which are due to the burden that a family faces with having a girl and finding a substantial dowry for her. This has caused the Indian government to establish the Pre-natal diagnostic techniques Regulation in 1994, amended in 2002 to ban sex determination tests. Even so, in 2001, statistics showed that there are only 933 women for every 1000 men in India.

Symbolism of Main Rituals

In India weddings are not seen as just a simple party that celebrates a marriage, but a union of two families and as a part of life. Marriage is seen as a necessity and the wedding that comes along with it is carefully planned and is quite different from the western tradition.

An Indian wedding is a massive and extravagant event that is stretched out to span several days and includes large number of guests and family members, some reaching well over a thousand. The way the marriage is set up varies from a customary arranged marriage to love-marriages, but traditionally the horoscope comes to account for much, as it is used not only as a method to find a compatible couple, but also as a tool to select the date for the wedding(Marriage Customs of India).

The wedding traditionally consists of three parts, the pre-wedding, the main day and the post-wedding, but the specific and complex traditions that are practiced within these parameters greatly vary according the area, the religion, the language and the caste. The pre-wedding ceremony of Mehendi is a common tradition that is practiced widely around the country. It is the gathering of the bride’s female friends and relatives in order to put henna on her feet and hands, it is a very social event as they come to discuss the bride’s future with her husband. The application of Henna powder creates temporary tattoos or skin stains, that vary in darkness depending on the amount of time the powder is held on the body undisturbed(Mehendi Ceremony). The type of design depends on the preference of the bride and her family, and can be done on other body parts, such as on the neck. The garland ceremony is another commonality, it is when the bride and groom garland each other as a sign of their acceptance of one another.

Bride's hands decorated with elaborate henna after Mehendi ceremony. Image (c) [5]

During the wedding day or the main day, a mandapa, or wedding alter is erected at the location of the wedding. The venues have changed from the home of the bride to more western hotels and banquet halls. It is around this altar that the wedding ceremony is centered, the different rituals that are then performed are entirely based in the region. In the North and East the tradition is for the groom to dip his ring in Sindhoor (vermillion powder), and trace it from the bride’s hairline down to the crown of her head.

The Kanyadana is another crucial step, it translates to the giving of the virgin or daughter, and is when the bride’s father or guardian initially gives her to God and then takes her hand and places it in the groom’s, thus transferring the responsibility to him. The vows that are taken by both the bride and groom are essentially what make them husband and wife, unlike the simple “I Do,” the Indian tradition takes a much more meaningful and interactive path. The saptapadi ritual is a combination of vows and a symbolic representation of the journey that the pair will take through life. The take seven steps together, each representing an important promise or part of their lives, they are taken toward the North around the fire, which acts as their witness and are considered the most vital part of the ceremony. They seven steps are:

1 - to earn and provide a living for their family, and avoiding all things that might harm them.

2 - to build their physical, mental and spiritual powers and to lead a healthy lifestyle.

3 - to earn and increase their wealth by righteous and proper means.

4 - to acquire knowledge, happiness and harmony by mutual love, respect, understanding and faith.

5 - to have children for whom they will be responsible

6 - for self-control and longevity.

7 - to be true to each other, loyal and remain life-long companions by this wedlock(iloveindia.com).

Arranged Marriages vs. Love Marriages vs. "Assisted" Marriages

Traditional arranged marriages in India are certainly still prevalent today. Because marriage is not only a union of two people, but also a joining of two families, South Asian parents try to match their child with an appropriate spouse who is of the same caste, religion, regional origin, and social and economic status. Parents and elders in India and in the US want to preserve their ethnic & regional identity within the large and tight-knit family unit. Therefore, problems may arise if an individual desires to marry someone without their parents’ approval or arrangement, as in the case of love marriages (although not all love marriages gain disapproval). This possible source of conflict and tension may be seen in the older and younger generation of South Asian Americans. Although there are no figures on the number of love marriages and arranged marriages in the US, some shop owners (who seem to be around the age of 35) in Jackson Heights stated that there are more love marriages here than in India. Their own preferences for love or arranged marriages for their children differed. Support for and against these two types of marriages were voiced in interviews conducted at Jackson Heights and other South Asians living in the New York area. However, there has also been an emergence of "assisted" marriages, or "love-cum-arranged" marriages, in which parents provide screened spouses for their sons and daughters to choose from.

Support/Reasons for Arranged Marriages:

1. One female employee at Alankar Jewelers describes how although everyone has fiancés and boyfriends, there are quarrels and bickering within a love relationship. When asked about her own arranged marriage, she said that she is simply accustomed to the relationship. Another female employee at JMD Mall also describes how in her opinion an arranged marriage is like love. One becomes familiar with his/her partner, and there are no problems. This suggests that love and feelings of attachment can develop after an individual gets an arranged marriage, compared with love marriages where love is generally established before marriage. Another employee at Mita Jewelers considers arranged marriages more stable than love marriages because parents have already chosen a proper suitor.

2. Neena Jain, a mother from New Delhi who now resides in Queens, NY, also views arranged marriages positively, and discusses how parents thoroughly check the background of a possible spouse. She says, “the kids are still young so they don’t have the lifetime of experience that the parents do. They’re not wise so they might not be able to see the future hurdles that the kids are not seeing…Love marriages…are not seen as respectful and they are harder to adjust to because families don’t necessarily reconcile with each other.”

"In India, love is romanticized when you’re young but after that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not for love. Companionship is greater; the family unit is greater than love. Even if they love someone in India, most of the time they can’t tell their parents and if the parents say no it’s no. They will marry whomever the parents arrange." – Neena Jain

Support/Reasons for Love Marriages:

Certainly love marriages allow South Asians freedom to choose a spouse on their own. Many storeowners at Jackson Heights believe that young South Asians, including their own children, who grow up around American values and ideals, want to choose their own partners. Although interracial marriages may cause some disturbance in the traditional preservation of ethnic & regional identity within family and marriage, the non-ethnic spouse may learn to adopt Indian culture. In general, love marriages can gain approval from parents and elders if the spouse matches the parents’ cultural and social criteria.

1. Kamini Vadhan, a middle-aged female manager at The Dosa Place describes her love marriage with her husband who she met through a matrimonial ad. She initially kept her marriage a secret from her parents, who were strongly opposed to it when they discovered who she had married. In this case, she voluntarily defied her parents’ wishes and chose to find her own partner. She is still married and says that she is comfortable with her children falling in love and finding partners themselves.

2. Nashita Karim, a freshman at New York University, and a desi Muslim, describes the negative views associated with an arranged marriage, and the aspects of dating::

"I’m Bengali, and as a Bengali, our life is heavily influenced by Islam. So honestly, it’s kind of annoying that my culture won’t allow me to date. The thing is dating allows people to explore personalities, experience different emotions, and removes a certain naiveté without removing innocence. But religiously we aren’t allowed because dating usually leads to long relationships which leads to premarital sex which is an absolute sin. Most Desi Muslims understand why its prohibited but wish it was not. The thing isn’t how do we feel about arranged marriages but the fact that although by religious law we aren’t supposed to be forced to marry. In most cases we are. But don’t get me wrong. A lot of arranged marriages work because of the fear of divorce. If you get divorced as a Desi, it’s like getting excommunicated from the community. What we are more scared of is that although they work, we don’t want to be in a loveless marriage, which tends to happen."

This interview with Karim illustrates the uncommon conflict within young acculturated South Asians between their traditional cultural and religious mores, and western values/ideals. Dating, associated with love and marriage, is one point of conflict. There are South Asians who do want to date, but their elders prohibit them from doing so. This interview with Nashita Karim, and a 1990 survey of post-1965 Indian immigrants, reveal the common South Asian parental perception that dating involves sex (Leonard 1997:159). Karim further states that South Asian parents fear that their children will turn into the “typical, promiscuous American.” This, of course, may not always be true.

And reasons against arranged marriages include the chance that two arranged individuals will not love each other. They may be in a friendly mutual relationship, or they may dislike each other, leading to future marriage problems. As Karim describes, there may not be complete honesty between two arranged people because their conversations and interactions are under parents’ supervision. There may be some aspect of a person that his/her spouse is not aware of. And because South Asian culture requires married couples to stay together and divorce is highly looked down upon, these people must deal with possible marital issues. Yet, these conflicts certainly do not only occur in arranged marriages, but in love marriages as well.

“Assisted” Marriage/ “Love-cum-arranged”:

Based on several interviews conducted with young South Asians, there seems to be an increase in the prevalence of these “assisted” or “love-cum-arranged” marriages among the younger South Asian generation in the US. These individuals may find it easier to ask their parents to help them look for possible suitors through family connections, friends, personal matchmakers, matrimonial ads, or matchmaking websites. The suitors are, of course, screened for specific regional background, social and professional standing, age, etc. A shared ethnic identity is still preserved in these arrangements. And like Nashita Karim, young South Asian men and women then have a choice in whether to decline or accept the suitor.

A New York Times article, "Courtship Ideas of South Asians Get a U.S. Touch," (2005) describes:

“These young people may have come of age in an America…but in many cases they have not completely accepted the Western model of romantic attachment. Indeed, some of the impetus for assisted marriage is coming from young people themselves - men and women who have delayed marriage into their late 20's and early 30's, said Ayesha Hakki, the editor of Bibi, a South Asian bridal and fashion magazine based in New Jersey.” – NY Times, "Courtship Ideas of South Asians Get a U.S. Touch"

And indeed, in a New York Magazine article, "Is Arranged Marriage really any worse than Craiglist?" an Indian woman, in her early 30s, gives a personal account her dating experience, and the marriage expectations she still faces. After her share of a variety of unsuccessful dates and ephemeral relationships with co-ethnics and non-ethnics, she has become more open to those screened by her parents. She describes the feeling of future uncertainty involved in western style dating, whereas through matrimonial arrangements, she is aware of the outcome, which is marriage.

In addition, these “assisted” marriages can be seen back in India:

“In large part, Ms. Khandelwal said, the transition from formally arranged marriage reflects social changes in India itself, where assisted marriage is now common among the educated, urban middle class. That is because, she said, there are fewer extended-family living arrangements and more women pursuing higher education.” – NY Times, "Courtship Ideas of South Asians Get a U.S. Touch"