From The Peopling of New York City
Interview with Nashita Karim, a freshman at New York University – 4/18/09
Q: So to start off, what is your view on arranged marriages?
A: I’m Bengali, and as a Bengali, our life is heavily influenced by Islam. So honestly, it’s kind of annoying that my culture won’t allow me to date. The thing is dating allows people to explore personalities, experience different emotions, and removes a certain naiveté without removing innocence. But religiously we aren’t allowed because dating usually leads to long relationships which leads to premarital sex which is an absolute sin. Most desi muslims understand why its prohibited but wish it was not. The thing isn’t how do we feel about arranged marriages but the fact that although by religious law we aren’t supposed to be forced to marry. In most cases we are. But don’t get me wrong. A lot of arranged marriages work because of the fear of divorce. If you get divorced as a desi, it’s like getting excommunicated from the community. What we are more scared of is that although they work, we don’t want to be in a loveless marriage, which tends to happen.
Q: So how exactly does the relationship in a arranged marriage work?
A: It’s a contract more than anything. The husband and wife agree to support each other. No one is required to love each other. But they are required to respect, honor and protect each other. That’s the basic of arranged marriages. The feelings are individual to each person. But that’s why in most old Bollywood movies that deal with arranged marriages, you’ll see the mother saying “who cares who you love, this guy will take care of you.” It’s about taking care of each other and being each other’s friend.
Q: So certainly in these marriages, there may be some tension considering that they may not necessary “love”/get along with each other. How is that dealt with?
A: Well that’s what they do. They deal. They continue to treat each other like husband and wife. You can have a marriage without actually being in love. You can be friends or you can absolutely hate each other. But you still have to uphold the contract.
Q: And what about the divorce rates…?
A: As a religion, there are only a few reasons to get divorced. Those are infidelity, abuse, and some other things.
Q: Currently in Bangladesh, or in India, will the wife be forced to stay in the marriage that she doesn’t want to be in?
A: Culturally yes. Desi people have a way of insulting you that makes it seem completely normal. For example, I saw an aunt last week that I hadn’t seen in years. She says to me, “Nashita! How are you? I asked your mom about you. I heard that you lost a lot of weight and I asked your mom about it, but your mom said you were still fat. I look at you now and I see that your mom was right. You still are fat, but how are you!?!? I haven’t seen you in years. How’s college?"
If a woman gets divorced, people do look down on her. They talk about her, and some go so far as to make her a comparison like “…do you want to be like so and so?” I mean that’s not everyone but that happens a lot. She has less chance to get remarried after that… There are a lot more love marriages. A lot more, because now people date. I mean dating is still looked down on and if people find out that a girl has a boyfriend there’s hell to pay. I know this one girl whose dad beat her when he found out that she had a boyfriend, because it makes the parents look bad. People talk about your daughter and say how she’s bad and blah blah blah. And ultimately they look at you like you don’t know how to raise your children to be good Muslims. As for divorces they are still relatively low when people get a divorce they don’t advertise that. Like in America, it’s like casual conversation. It’s like, oh I got divorced two years ago… but in Bangladesh, you keep that secret…Here’s the thing that’s what I deal with on a daily basis. But going to Bangladesh, although I noticed it to be a no no it’s not looked at as that bad. That’s the difference between Bangladesh and Jackson Heights. Bengalis in Bangladesh are more relaxed and their kids are more modern. But in America, parents work so hard to keep the culture. They over do it. But that’s not to say that people in Bangladesh aren’t crazy. I once wore a T-shirt in Bangladesh, and they are so used to girls wearing a scarf to cover the chest area like OVER their shirt that they thought I was a little loose.
Q: So it are the cultural codes, etc. more strict here in the US because there is a sense of preserving this ethnic culture/identity? Since you said that Bengalis are more relaxed in Bangladesh, are they in a sense “loosening up?”
A: To answer the first question…kind of. Parents try so hard. They over do it sometimes. For example my mom beat into me that I couldn’t talk to boys, that I couldn’t have guy friends because its against our religion, and therefore Bengalis would look down on us. When I went to Bangladesh, all my cousins had guy and girl friends. But usually they are right on the mark. They can be really superficial because you have to understand. Parents are literally raised in Bangladesh and therefore they raise us according to that. When Bangladesh changes, they don’t. So while learning older values I got to Bangladesh… Parents here are so afraid of us turning into the typical, promiscuous American that they kill us with culture. To answer the second question, yes, they are loosening up a lot. But the problem is that they will have girlfriends/boyfriends and do exactly what we do and more. But my cousins think I’m more “loose” than them. When I went to Bangladesh, one of my cousins doubted that I was a virgin merely because I lived in America
Q: And if more Bengalis are getting love marriages, do they work out?
A: Yes, because there’s still the fear of divorce.
Q: I see…so you would definitely get an arranged marriage in the future?
A: Oh yes. Definitely. I have no choice in the matter… The most common way to get an arranged marriage, your parents look around for you…they look for a nice guy…they will have a matchmaker. [Between the two individuals, there will be] lot of conversations but we’ll always have it in the presence of family. After everything is set up, if his parents like me and my parents like him, my parents will ask me “ok do you want to get married with this guy?” And I’m allowed to say yes or no…The point is I’m always allowed to say yes or no…
[unclear words]…
You’re not supposed to date. So when you get married, you’re supposed to have someone supervising you as you [and your spouse] talk. You talk to each other and know each other under supervision. You can also suggest a guy to your parents… The time for an arranged marriage is like from 18 to like 32. For women 35, you’re a little old…Here in America you think oh one day I might get married. It’s an option… In Bangladesh, you know you’re getting married.
Q: What if you have career conflicts and you want to pursue a career before you get married?
A: For me originally I wanted to put marriage up after my career. When I become a doctor, I’ll be like thirty-something and at that point no one is going to want to marry me. And although I’ll put my best foot forward, the guys who will want to marry me will narrow down a lot…And people don’t get to know your personality a lot…That’s the problem with arranged marriages. Although you’re allowed to have a lot of conversations in the presence of a supervisor, for example my big sister and her current husband- they talked for two years and got to know each other for two years but under my parents’ supervision. But the thing is if I ever talk to my future husband under my parents’ supervision, can you see me being completely honest? So a lot of times, there’s something about someone that you don’t know and that’s a huge deal. When you have that situation where you think you know someone but you don’t know everything, you still have to stick by him and you can’t get a divorce. …When I went to Bangladesh, I saw a 14 year old be married to a 54 year old. I’m currently in the process of getting an arranged marriage. The optimal age for marriage is 18 to 24…
--Echang 09:33, 19 April 2009 (UTC)