From The Peopling of New York City

The following is an interview I conducted with Jeffin Mathew, an 18 year old student at NYU, on April 29, 2009:

Tell me a little about yourself. What are your ethnicity and religion? Who do you live with? How many siblings do you have?

I am East Indian, specifically Malayale, because my parents are from the state of Kerala. I am Syrian Orthodox, and I go to NYU, studying biological and pre-medical studies. I live with my parents and my older sister.

Who in your family immigrated to America? From what country/region are they? Why did they choose to immigrate?

My parents immigrated from Kerala. It was the hot thing to do back then, coming to America, especially from India, where opportunities are so limited. My dad is from a large family, with 10 kids, and his sister came to America. He came first, and then my mom followed after.

Do you still have a lot of family living in India? If so, who? How often do you visit?

Yea, my dad has four siblings living in India, and my mom is the only one in America from her side. We used to go every three years, but I haven’t gone since 2003. But my parents just went last March and April.

When you visit, what are some of the activities you and your family participate in? How do they compare to American events (i.e. what you do with your own family)?

Honestly, a lot of it is visiting family. There are so many family members spread throughout that section of Kerala. A lot is visiting them, churches, pilgrimages. I’m a tourist, even though it is my parents’ home. My parents live in the more rural area, and the main city is a few hours away from us. We only go there a few times in our visit. For the rest of the time, my fondest memories have been just sitting around a TV, hanging out. We just sit around, talking, playing around with each other, and catching up. We do the same kind of thing as in America, but there’s more freedom in America, like you can drive around without worrying about being kidnapped.

After all the time you spend there, what is your impression about your family’s traditions? How do they differ from those here?

It’s something that we strongly hold. Family tops everything, even here too. If you’re expected to go to your aunt and uncle’s house, and you don’t go, that’s a big thing. Spending time with your family is even closer than being with friends. Even if families fight, especially in India, you still have your cousins here. Prayer is really important, everywhere, too. We just sit together and pray as a family. It doesn’t matter where you are. But it also differs in some ways. In America, we don’t eat together that often, probably because of working. My sister and I are in college, and my parents are working, so we don’t eat together that much, but in India it’s a big thing.

Do any of the customs, or any part of the culture, get “lost in translation?”

Probably just living conditions. We’re spoiled in America. We’re able to live comfortably. In India, a lot of them are farmers. In India it’s a much harder life. We don’t have a laundry machine, even doing simple tasks [to us] are harder there. For example, ovens are something new there. They definitely see us as being spoiled. Like, my sister and I both don’t like insects, but in India there can be insect problems. They laugh at us most of the time. But we still feel as close to them, even though we live separately.

How did your parents marry? Was it an arranged marriage?

No, it was not an arranged marriage. Well, to an extent it was arranged. My mom worked in the army, and one of her patients was my uncle’s wife. My uncle was in the army too, and they met through him. But they weren’t planning on getting an arranged marriage. Those are called proposals, and they come and go.

How often do family members get an arranged marriage?

A lot of them still do. It may be about even, those who get arranged marriages and those who don’t. A couple of my cousins just got engaged, and they just met their future spouse recently. If you’re not married when you’re 28, it’s like “whoa.” One of my cousins got so many proposals, but he was just really picky. It’s not so strict as it used to be, where you would first meet on the wedding night, but they still exist.

What are your plans for marriage? Would you be opposed to getting an arranged marriage? Why?

I would resort to an arranged marriage, as a last resort, if I’m like 35 and still single, I would get one. Its not like my parents would force me into one. I’m against arranged marriage in the traditional sense. But if my parents went to India and found a girl, I would look into it, but I would still have to approve. I do want to marry an Indian girl, only because it makes sense. We have the same values. I could relate to Indian girls more than to non-Indian girls.

Is this the same for your sister? How does she feel about this?

Yeah, my sister’s actually dead-set against arranged marriage. She doesn’t like Indian guys, and she doesn’t want my parents to arrange one for her.

How would you define your parents? Traditional or liberal?

They’re more liberal, definitely known as the cool parents. All my cousins love my parents because they’re the cool ones. But they’re still strict in the sense that certain things are risky things to talk about like sex, relationships. Like my mom told us not to move in with our partners before we were married. So that’s pretty traditional. If I told my parents I was in a relationship now, my parents wouldn’t freak out or anything. They have their preferences, like an Indian girl, but…

What are your parents’ attitudes about America? What about American culture?

They like it, but they think certain things should be a little more contained. In American movies, you have kissing and sex things and stuff like that. I remember I was watching a Bollywood movie, and my dad was like, ‘why do they do this?’ They love America, though, more than India. Well, my dad likes it more than India. My mom’s mixed, because my mom is more emotional than my dad, and so is more emotionally connected than my dad.

Do your parents ever long to return to India? If so, why? What do they miss?

My mom more than my dad. I don’t think my dad misses it at all, to be honest. Like, he went with my mom to get treatment for her leg, and he didn’t want her to go alone, but I don’t think he misses that type of life. When he was 20, he moved to Delhi, and he’s the youngest in a huge family, so the attention was never focused on him. He was more independent. My mom has more of that attachment.

What are your parents’ expectations of you and your siblings? Professionally, traditionally, and family-wise? Do you ever feel pressured from these expectations?

Education, in general. More than anything, they want a complete education for us. That’s what most Indians want for their kids. They don’t care what we study, as long as we complete it and make something of ourselves. As far as customs and traditions, they want us to maintain them. One of my aunts told me, ‘you have to marry a Malayale, Sryian Orthodox girl,’ so she has me down to that specificity. Cause that’s our family. Same for my sister, except she doesn’t like Indian boys. I don’t really feel pressure about that. I’m not really brainwashed, but that’s what I want. The religion doesn’t matter, cause that can change. The wife will follow whatever the husband is. But if I was to marry a Punjabi or something, that can’t change. My parents say I could marry who I want. But when my cousin married a Punjabi, my aunt was like, ‘why? What is she doing?’ I didn’t care, I was just happy to go to a Punjabi wedding.

Do your parents ever bring up the way they lived in India? What customs do you think have changed in the transition to America?

Oh yeah, annoyingly. To the point where it’s like, ‘okay I get it. You didn’t have a car, you had to take the bus or walk.’ It’s more like my parents are trying to tell me ‘you’re spoiled, so stop complaining about something.’ Something shallow, probably. What’s changed? Clothes. My mom wears less ethnic clothing now. In that sense, she has followed the American way. Work too. My mom is more than just a housewife. She has a job. She says she wouldn’t be a nurse if she were in India. She doesn’t like the profession in India.

How large do you think the gap is between the older generation and yours? Are there misunderstandings between you and your parents due to a different way of life growing up?

No there isn’t much of a gap. My parents are corny. If my sister said, ‘oh its mad hot out,’ sometimes my parents would say, ‘wow this is mad good.’ We would just be like, ‘stop talking, please.’ Yea, they still relate to us. They also have a work environment where almost all of the workers are Americans, and they have all these colloquialisms. They probably don’t know what some of it means, but… there’s a little misunderstanding. My dad didn’t get the whole thing where guys have to take girls out on dates and stuff, but my mom did, which shows who the cooler parent is. Also in style and fashion. If I wore a button-downed shirt, and didn’t button it, my dad would be like, ‘why don’t you button it?’ They just don’t get that kind of stuff.

Many South Asian immigrants feel that American culture exerts an overwhelming influence on today’s youth. How do you feel about this? Is it ever a source of tension in your family?

No there isn’t much tension. My parents are really understanding. And it’s not like we do stupid stuff. I know a lot of Indian kids my age who go out every night and stuff. That never happens to us. My parents’ perception of American youth, is how my sister and I act. For the most part they think that it’s how we interact, which is pretty proper.

Overall, how close is your family?

Close, very close. In the end, even though I have friends, my family has my back, and I can guarantee that they have my back. Even my Indian friends would blow me off for their families, and I totally understand it. It’s what we do.

In the context of ethnicity, how do you define yourself?

Indian-American. Its like, you know, everything I learned from my parents is the Indian aspect, but growing up, I’ve gotten all these American mannerisms and habits, so I’m a blend of both.

What do you predict for the future? Do you see yourself with a family? If yes, what kind of culture do you suppose your children might hold onto?

They better speak Malayalam, once I master the language myself. Yeah, I definitely see myself with a family. I know how American teens are, so I’m going to be a very strict parent. My kids will be on leash. I’ll try to raise them the way my parents raised me.

-- Joshua Petimar, April 29, 2009