From The Peopling of New York City
Interview with Kamini Vadhan, Manager of The Dosa Place, Jackson Heights
Transcript 3/29/09
On Marriage
Vadhan: I got an arranged marriage twenty years back but it was like a love marriage because my parents didn’t approve. I met my husband through matrimonial twenty years back. I kept meeting him everyday for twenty days. I showed him to my mom, and my mom didn’t want me to come here… so my mom said no… He was good, same culture, and I liked him and I wanted to marry him…So we got married in court just the two of us, nobody else and that was in July 1992. We got married and after 8 days he came here and I went back to my homeopractice, general practice in Bombay, and I went back to my practice after signing the marriage papers. Then he came here in September. My parents kept telling me to go see a boy. I didn’t want to tell my parents that I’m already married. And I told my father from a public booth, ‘I’m married.’ And my father said, ‘No no no you can’t do this.’ And my mom said ‘Get married here (India) you’re not going abroad.’ I said, ‘I don’t want to see any more boys.’
Q: If you were to have a [true] arranged marriage what would your parents have looked for in a spouse/husband?
A: Culture, and no bad habits, like smoking, drinking, lot of friends, whom they hang out with. They have to be settled. They don’t want to give a girl to a boy who doesn’t work. They see how many people [are] in the house so they don’t have to work too much…and now the trend things have changed….total love marriages. There are so many nephews and nieces, they’ll find someone themselves. Even with my kids, I don’t bother. I have three kids and they are high-schoolers.
Q: Were your parents arranged?
A: My parents were arranged. In India marriage is like a sacrifice. In the lower, lower caste [marriage is like a] business practice yes, but in the middle and upper class they work together. But the woman always does the housework, tries to save money for the family. The husband’s whole family helps. Now, [there are] single families and no more joined families.
Q: Is there tension between men and women/wife and husband?
A: Whatever the husband earns fine, but we (women) have to manage too we have the power too…Now even in the India, things have changed a lot. It’s like the same as here. They don’t stay in a shell. If they rebel they come out… Divorce is common now in terms of arranged and love marriages in India and here.
Q: Is there a balance between the wife and husband?
A: In our generation from India, we’ve seen our parents - father never help mom. My husband doesn’t do the cooking. It’s a male dominating culture. However with my kids, they are always equal because the new generation is totally different.
--Echang 02:13, 6 April 2009 (UTC)